Nose to nose with Oliver after two minutes in the house.

HATES Tatum.

HATED IT! I pretty much knew I hated it when one guy said "fucking" in his introduction and everyone laughed. It was like that time in the tenth grade....Only in the tenth grade it was funny, not because the teacher said "shit", but she said it in an attempt to IMPRESS the head master and the dean. Ok, and she wasn't even our teacher. She was just interviewing for the position which was being vacated by Maria Langon who dressed up as a tampon for Halloween, described the game of "turtle" in great detail and named a whiffle ball bat "Pat" after the SNL character. Oh, also once when we were playing whiffle ball she forgot which team she was on and instead of playing 2nd base, ran to third. God I loved private school!

So off course you might be thinking Langon got fired, but she didn't. She was diplomatically encouraged to serve mankind by doing a spell in the Dominican Republic teaching underpriveledge children the wonders of "turtle". NO SHIT!

And as for her potential replacement. Well, she was taking a turn teaching out class as part of the interview process. Instead of following the curriculum, "sexual references in Chaucer", we were disecting a poem about a landfill. After several lame attempts to engage the class in a discussion of said poem a student candidly piped up and said, "What we are talking about here is a hole full of shit." We all chuckled, and bantered about the meaning of the shit hole for a few minutes. Eager to see the lively banner continue and secure the job, the candidate resumed control of the discussion and peppered the rest of her comments with the word "shit". The one thing she felt captured our attention and engaged us in the discussion.

It was funny, but even as tenth graders we saw each stiffled "shit" as pathetic and desperate. We failed to re-engage and 5 five "shits" later the bell rang.

She was not offered the position.

It's like Cara Heaven!

YOU know who you are!

Home after an excellent roadtrip to the Bay Area.

I intended to write more on the subject, but it turns out that driving for 16 hours straight leaves my brain seriously fried. It's actually only a 14 hour drive, but I had the pleasure of getting stuck in portland's rush hour traffic and then arriving in seattle to three blocked lanes due to a traffic accident. It was like, "I made it! Shit, taillights..." 15 hours of driving just to sit for an hour two miles from my house. So tired....

Not quite half way there. Thought I'd shave some time off tomorrow's drive by heading out after work. I planned to drive for about three hours but went about 6. There was a lot of construction and I had a dream of sleeping in a rest area to save time and money. It didn't work out for me.

Must run.

Connect the dots:

The groomer at Lucky Dog quit.

Now Tatum looks like a balding lamb.

GO!

there are so many things I should be doing right now. I need to get my brakes checked and Tatum groomed, mow the lawn and answer e-mails. There are so many things I'd enjoy doing right now. I'd like to go for a bike ride, take the dogs to the park, buy a triazzle, and pester friends(Joelius, where for art thou Joelius) to hang out tonight.

But I'm soooooo tired. Worn out, beat and pooped and exhausted.

I hate sleeping alone during the day, but i just might be that tired :P

And why did you leave half the money i left you? You know who YOU are.

I need playmates for Folk Life. I love that festival. Tomorrow evening the cuzin and I are going to a belly dancing show at 7 and were wondering if any allfriends wanted to join us(JOEL, before you leave town).

Also, i am dreaming of going hiking on Saturday or Monday.

Donuts Sunday as usual.

I'm grabbing $300 and heading to the other hill to buy a decent bike now.

Update:

So i got to the bike shop at 7:20, only to find out they close at 7. So I rode my brakeless bike home. I had to walk down a few hills. I was excited about having a new bike, but even so, it was nice to have an excuse to get out tonight. I'll go back after work tomorrow.

As many of you can imagine, Tatum is a little passive agressive when it comes to bike riding. He's all excited to go, but after a few blocks he starts faking leg injuries and extreme fatigue so I'll slow down so he can pee on stuff. It's really very annoying having a dog who can outsmart me, but I'm a sucker for fluffy fur, what can i say.

Anyways, I've long been thinking I should do some cycling with just honest Ol. He's more obedient and has more stamina and LOVES running beside the bike. The only difficulty with him is his fear of other cyclist coming up behind us, but that's a lot easier to manage when i just have him and not both of them.

So off we went...a little too quickly at first(my brakes are worn out) and then just right. I ran him for about two hours although we just went to the U-district and back.

Now Oliver is exhausted and crashed out on the floor, and Tatum is following his example, because dogs all want to do the same thing. Only, Tate isn't tired at all, so he's twitching a little with excess energy. Also, he's totally overdoing it trying to look as exhausted as Oliver. Don't believe me? I just caught him sitting up out of the corner of my eye, so I turned to look at him and he flopped back into his sleeping position.

That is the plan. No dog park, no bike ride....

I find that most of my fun time is spent out and about...

I find that most of my time at home is spent doing housework...Resetting the space for the next week's chaos and by the time I look around and feel like I have a nice house to live in, it's time to go back to work again.

Well, so today's plan was to just relax at home(stupid 7 dirty dishes in the sink...mocking me)...NOT spend time at home doing house/yard work, not go running off to entertain myself elsewhere.

Ok, so there's a little laundry being done...and I have to vacuum soon or I will lose my mind. Oh, and I might have planted some flowers. And I am getting hungry and there's no way to cook without doing the dishes.

Here's the relaxing I have accomplished so far:

Lounging in house.

Lounging in yard.

Thank god I have to work at 7, or I could easily fall into a deep depression doing this.

Dean and Gregg are on Letterman tonight!

(in the first row)

....At the Burbank Airport.

Here are the funny things that may or may not have actually happened-

1. A fat lady in a flower print suit said "You've been a bitch since the minute we got on this plane," to a lady wearing improbably purple costume jewlery as we were deplaning and everybody laughed.

2. The flight attendant said "Please watch your step as you deplane BECAUSE an Alaska Airlines representative will be at the bottom of the ramp to assist you with any questions you may have."

3. In the restroom at the airport I used soap from a soap dispenser next to a sink that a lady was clipping her fingernails in front of, then washed my hands at the next sink over. She said, "Why are you taking my soap?" and I replied, "Because I want to save *MY* soap for tomorrow when i come back here to catch my return flight."

4. A lady dropped off one boyfriend or husband, "bye honey, have a nice trip!" then stayed in curbside drop off and two minutes later greeted a different man in a very affectionate way.

5. Bo Bice got out of a taxi cab and swished his hair around.

:)

Tatum's claws are way too long. OOps, this officially makes me a bad dog owner. AND the stubborn little guy will not let me cut them. I'm sort of confused because he's always been compliant about it before and now all of a sudden he flips out if I touch his paws. Very strange. I can't tell if he's just being difficult, or if I really hurt him when I cut one of his claws and now he's scared. I get very mad at him and alpha flip him and put him outside and ignore him, but nothing works, he won't submit. If I touch his paws he yelps and pulls away....even if I have no clippers and am not doing anything even remotely threatening or painful to him.

Oliver's claws are trim and clipped. He holds perfectly still and lets me clip them, so it takes about 15 seconds and then it's done. No yelping, no power struggle, just happy doggy, happy me.

I want to take them to San Diego. I found some beach houses and suites where they can be. Also, Mandy and Quentin would be happier that way. Vacations are just so stressful!

I am practically a ghost.



I am definately going to haunt some of you. If any of you have strong feelings about being haunted or not being haunted, requests can be made and will be taken into consideration.

Dominus!

A saturday morning off and i am stuck at home while my water heater gets replaced. I locked my dogs in the bedroom while i ran out to get a coffee, and when i came back the washer and dryer was in front of the bedroom door, so i guess they'll be in there for a while. I had planned to clean house, do yard work and vaccuum out my car while all this transpired, but most of what I need to do can't be accomplished while the water is off and the laundry machines are detached. Also I can't get into my yard and there are too many trucks in the driveway to pull my car in and vaccuum it out. Oh well.

You are still all jilled, especially my fair weather joel who is either sick or out of town.

Maybe it's the sun, or reconnecting with the part of me that thinks fishnet stockings go with everything; maybe it's the 80 hour work weeks or the overabundance of creative energy that keeps me up at night lately; maybe it's that Dayanue song that's stuck in my head from seder or perhaps it's my new shoes, or maybe the fact that for the first time in my life i feel like a prankster and I can't believe I let april fools day go by without making mischief, but whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I'm jilling you all until Sanjaya gets voted off of American Idol.

Also, Donut Festival will be replaced by Pancake Festival at Paul's Pancake house in two weeks.

Due to last night's socializing, there is a Barb shaped hole in my heart.